With a deep sigh, Sarah says ‘ I don’t think my husband loves me anymore. He is always on his computer or iPhone…. He just doesn’t seem interested in anything I have to say and I am worried he thinks I am boring or stupid’. Wow… a huge statement and the call has only just begun.
‘So how do you know when he loves you’? I ask, I really want to understand why Sarah has made this assumption and I want to dig deeper into her preferred ways of receiving love, as I suspect this is the route cause.
‘Well he does tell me he loves me and that he is thankful that I am in his life, but those are just words. I am so frustrated as we used to spend hours in bed just talking and he doesn’t seem to be interested in connecting like this anymore’.
As Sarah continues to talk, I am starting to understand what is happening. Sarah thinks that her husband doesn’t love her anymore, because he doesn’t demonstrate love in her preferred ‘love language’ of Quality Time. What he is actually doing is expressing love in his own preferred way, through Words of Affirmation – I love you and I am thankful for you. He doesn’t realise how important Quality Time is for Sarah and assumes that just hearing affirming words is enough for her, because it is for him. See how easy it is for a miscommunication??
If Sarah can simply let her husband know how important quality time is for her and suggest ways in which he can meet this need, it will transform their relationship. She will feel loved and he will know he is making his women happy. When she affirms his new behaviour with words of appreciation (Thank You, I love you, you are so thoughtful, I am so glad you are my husband) he will feel loved too and more inclined to give her even more Quality Time. Win Win!
If you think your preferred love language is Quality Time, talk with your partner and see where you can make the following happen:
- Have a date night every week or every other week. If going out is not an option, perhaps cook together
- Start a new hobby together – perhaps dance classes, wine tasting or tennis
- Make sure you spend some time talking about your hopes, dreams and fears
- When you are having your quality time together, ensure there are no distractions – TV, computers or phones
- Make time every day to just catch up on the day – everyone can find 5 minutes if they really value their relationship
There are five love languages in all and we will all have a preference in how we give and receive love. Knowing about these can make all the difference between a happy and fulfilling relationship and feeling empty, unloved and unappreciated.
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